Remembering old demons
Yesterday, I posted the words “I miss sobriety” to my blog’s Instagram page. I had been thinking all day about how I missed feeling fresh, motivated and excited for life. It’s only been a few weeks of occasional social drinking, but I’ve already noticed the return of old demons that I’d almost dare to forget. So, I decided that yesterday was my new day one. A day one that is not about giving up drinking but about having freedom from it. Permanently.
The tagline for this blog is “celebrating the beauty in sobriety” because there is so much of it. However, I think I need to take a moment to recall why I started on this journey…
At the end of 2019, I was exhausted. My body ached, my mind was a dark place and my soul felt like it has shattered into a million pieces. My life was descending into a chaotic blur of repetitive nights out, little sleep and the same mistakes. I was deeply unhappy, felt constantly sick, physically shook with anxiety and suffered panic attacks. I had lost my self-respect and any faith in myself.
Desperate for some relief that was the nightmare of myself, I decided to start 2020 sober. I committed to Dry January and in that month, I felt the darkness lift a little. I began to rebuild my myself only to knock myself back down during February and some of March when I quickly fell back into old patterns. I couldn’t deny that my party lifestyle was the cause of my unhappiness and I knew I needed a further break or else I’d right back to where I was in December. So, I did sober spring – three months of utter sober bliss.
In the same way that I felt the unhappiness begin to creep back after Dry January when I started drinking again, I can feel it now. I can feel the tides in my mind starting to turn and me being slowly pulled out back into scary waters. Only this time is different because I proved to myself and those around me how much better life is for me teetotal. I’ve proven that it doesn’t matter how long I take off; alcohol is always the same when I return.
It’s time to stop pretending that I can have the best of both: drinking and joy. It doesn’t work like that for me. Drinking leads me to dark places and I finally know that I deserve to live in the light, bright space of sobriety.
Today is a new day two and I am feeling strong. Like I did at the beginning of Dry January and Sober Spring, I’ve begun reading Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. There is something about this book that kicks my arse into gear.
I am here. I am committed. I am sober. I will succeed.