old demons
Sober Living

Remembering old demons

Yesterday, I posted the words “I miss sobriety” to my blog’s Instagram page. I had been thinking all day about how I missed feeling fresh, motivated and excited for life. It’s only been a few weeks of occasional social drinking, but I’ve already noticed the return of old demons that I’d almost dare to forget. So, I decided that yesterday was my new day one. A day one that is not about giving up drinking but about having freedom from it. Permanently.

The tagline for this blog is “celebrating the beauty in sobriety” because there is so much of it. However, I think I need to take a moment to recall why I started on this journey…

At the end of 2019, I was exhausted. My body ached, my mind was a dark place and my soul felt like it has shattered into a million pieces. My life was descending into a chaotic blur of repetitive nights out, little sleep and the same mistakes. I was deeply unhappy, felt constantly sick, physically shook with anxiety and suffered panic attacks. I had lost my self-respect and any faith in myself.

Desperate for some relief that was the nightmare of myself, I decided to start 2020 sober. I committed to Dry January and in that month, I felt the darkness lift a little. I began to rebuild my myself only to knock myself back down during February and some of March when I quickly fell back into old patterns. I couldn’t deny that my party lifestyle was the cause of my unhappiness and I knew I needed a further break or else I’d right back to where I was in December. So, I did sober spring – three months of utter sober bliss.

In the same way that I felt the unhappiness begin to creep back after Dry January when I started drinking again, I can feel it now. I can feel the tides in my mind starting to turn and me being slowly pulled out back into scary waters. Only this time is different because I proved to myself and those around me how much better life is for me teetotal. I’ve proven that it doesn’t matter how long I take off; alcohol is always the same when I return.

It’s time to stop pretending that I can have the best of both: drinking and joy. It doesn’t work like that for me. Drinking leads me to dark places and I finally know that I deserve to live in the light, bright space of sobriety.

Today is a new day two and I am feeling strong. Like I did at the beginning of Dry January and Sober Spring, I’ve begun reading Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. There is something about this book that kicks my arse into gear.

I am here. I am committed. I am sober. I will succeed.

8 thoughts on “Remembering old demons

  1. “It’s only been a few weeks of occasional social drinking, but I’ve already noticed the return of old demons that I’d almost dare to forget.” This was it for me!!! So many times I went in this cycle. Thank you for sharing this summary. You’ve re-evoked it all perfectly.

    One thing that helped me this time was not setting forever dates but doing the AA adage of “one day at a time.” i.e. I know I can avoid drinking for this whole day. Each day I start that intention again. Now I don’t think about it mostly, it becomes second (or first) nature… unless there is some new obstacle/trigger that appears. Then I still use that line of thought, “maybe tomorrow but not today.” When I feel pressure for example I sometimes tell drinking loved ones that I might drink again some day… but today I was happier without it. And that’s the truth. And it brings awareness to others.

    Thanks for visiting my blog, I’m loving yours. :))

    1. Thank you for reading my blog & the wonderful advice! I like the “maybe tomorrow but not today approach” & will definitely be implementing that! 🙂

  2. I love this post Paige. My comment on your last post suggested you read back to your older blogs because you were so full of energy, joy and enthusiasm for life …. you were buzzing. I had images of you whizzing around in your bike, carefree and loving sober life. Sounds like you have come to a decision, you have tried moderation but it does not make you happy. I think moderation takes hard work and effort. More than remaining sober actually. It takes up your thinking space … when you need to be free of it. I hope you find your freedom again. 😘 🤗💕

    1. Thanks Claire! I really was carefree, loving sober life and zooming around on my bike for a while there & that’s absolutely the place I’m trying to get back to. I think you’ve summed it up perfectly with moderation “takes up your thinking space” – that’s exactly how I feel. I hope I find freedom again too 😊as always, thank you for your kind words & support! x

      1. One thing that stuck me the most when I gave up booze, and it is something I read in a few different places, was the freedom not having to think about drinking gave me. Thinking … whee shall we go for a drink, or, it’s only Monday but I want a drink tonight … I’ll be good tomorrow, or, I’ll only have one, or, have they noticed I’m already through my second large glass and they’ve taken two sips of their first? or, if I drink now I can’t go for a run later … drink vs run 🤔or …….

        And so it went on. Now I don’t think about it. Complete freedom from it.

        It’s the best feeling ever.
        Claire xxx

  3. Hi, Paige. I can really relate to this. As someone that wavered after the same length of time, I will say that, for me, the voice saying you can drink sometimes was stronger after I drank a few times. I thought it wouldn’t be because I liked sobriety so much, but it was harder to resist when it showed up out of the blue. You may need extra tools in your toolbox. Just in case! 🤗

    1. I absolutely agree that that voice gets louder and it’s quite scary how quickly it grows! I think you’re right about needing some extra tools and I’m on a new journey to find them 😊 thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

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